For the past week I've been camped out in Bear Lake. I needed some down time. I wanted to separate myself from the world and just quietly exist alone for a few days, so I ran away from home.
When I arrived at my cabin, I was surprised to find the ground a barren brown at best. I think Winter has fled and escaped to some place far away as well. There is no snow in sight and the first couple of days I was here I could have made my daily walks without a coat it was so warm. Maybe Winter needed some down time too. Maybe Winter decided to run away.
I've concluded Winter is a woman who mostly wears a frown. I'm sure of it, since after a few days of mild temperatures, she showed up again. Her air was cold and she had turned frigid. I guess she hadn't really gone far away afterall. The trees also announced her arrival, she let loose her gusty attitude, huffing and puffing, whipping every barren branch she came in contact with.
Winter must be tempermental. She hadn't been outside my window long when she started throwing things. I saw odd pieces of garbage flying through the air. Her cold front felt like she had taken on the demeanor of a bedraggled spoiled child, pouting in order to make her presence known. I could tell from the sound of things she was not happy to be back.
At night I laid in my bed and listened to her crying sounds. My rafters creaked and groaned each night. It felt like every nail was struggling to hang on to its spot of wood. Now her tears have frozen, they've turned to ice crystals, blowing everywhere. I went out to take a picture. Today I think Winter is mostly ornery and miserable.
I didn't mind her pitching her fit outside. My dense logs kept her tantrums at bay. The fire in my hearth with its rolling flames made things toasty warm and I spent much of my time in my favorite stuffed easy chair. Life felt serenely good with my fleece blanket tucked around me, a hot steaming cup of cocoa in one hand and a good book in the other. Winter could do what ever she wanted outside.
Every soul needs some peaceful time to sit and digest life. Quiet unfettered moments to sort, ponder, analyze and process those day to day occurrences that bend and shape us when we're not looking.
No emotion gets past me when it comes to living life. I seem to feel everything in a way no one else does. Maybe I'm just naive though in thinking I'm the only one who ever feels things with such omnious intensity. I have spent much of my time here seeking the spirit in my analiyzations. Today I found light in my thoughts and a great realization.
It came to me in a peculiar way. I was working on my computer when I decided to turn on some music. I've been so discouraged lately. I don't know what it is, but since my mother passed away, its like I've been groping my way through a cloud. Maybe it's time and how fleeting it feels. Maybe it's just seeing my future and wondering what path to take. Up until now my time has been spent caring for people. Before my mom died, so much of my time was spent caring for her. Before that, half my life was spent caring for my children. Now here I am in this new place that feels totally unfamiliar and I've got to say, quite a bit empty. I'm not sure what to do with my life. Suddenly I've come face to face with myself and to be quite honest, I'm not sure I like it! I have things I want to do and yet I feel guilty for doing them. Is it ok now to focus on me and not my children? I think worrying about it all, drove me away from home. I think I ran away to escape the unfamiliar.
I like to listen to music. I turned on my tunes and was meditating on so many thoughts, chewing them up and at the same time trying to swallow them whole. The music started to clear my mind. I started listening to a song by Sara Groves. And there in the sweet serene melody something came to me clearly. I am amazed at how the spirit works through music. Right then, it spoke to me with surety. Listening to the words I realized I worry to much. Right there inbetween each note was a prominant thought and I saw myself and I saw what sustains me.
I don't have anymore answers to my day to day problems than when I arrived here. I do know one thing though, there are always peaks and valleys in life and while some days the journey might seem rough, I always have a sustaining force that walks beside me. It always sees me through. It always will.
Enjoy this sweet song. I hope it brings you the same message it brought me.
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